On Twitter, a woman keeps following me and unfollowing me over and over again. It's just like a real relationship.
I've never actually met her before, but just like a girlfriend, some days she likes me and other days she just needs to get the hell away from me.
I'm okay with that.
I'm better in small, careful, measured doses.
And no matter how cute someone is, no matter how much we have in common, there will eventually be times when they're stinking up the bathroom, slurping coffee loudly, and doing a lot of nose blowing.
So much nose blowing.
I once spent three weeks in Germany with a girlfriend whose job took her there for a year. She was certainly ready to be rid of me by the time I left. Maybe it was too much togetherness.
Or maybe it was because my snoring sounds like furniture being dragged across a hardwood floor and I sometimes throw MMA style elbows in my sleep.
Other than that, I think I was a great house guest.
And since I'm not all that into house guests, I'm hypersensitive to other people's feelings when I occupy their space.
I even brought my own eco-friendly air disinfecting spray for when I poop in the morning.
Seriously, I brought my own poop spray.
I know that's obsessive, but it's also quirky and charming.
At least that's what I tell myself.
Anyway, January was breakup month!
Really. It was.
I checked snopes.com and everything.
Lots of my friends and acquaintances were dissolving relationships. Whether they were married, cohabitating, or just dating, people were ended things.
I'm not here to judge anyone and I'm not qualified to give out any kind of advice. Certainly, if someone's partner is beating them, or cheating on them, or molesting the kids, then there's a need to get away.
If someone's significant other is a selfish, belligerent villain or an addict who doesn't want to get help, then it may be time to leave.
But if someone is leaving because their person isn't their “soulmate” or they think there's someone more exciting out there, they may or may not be right.
Sure, there's a certain magic to a new relationship and the “Honeymoon Phase” is fun. It's supposed to be. It's a bunch of dopamine, serotonin, and fantasy.
But then, things get real.
The brain chemicals run their course and the magic slips away.
What's left when a relationship cools is someone tampering with your schedule, cluttering up your space, and wreaking havoc in your bathroom.
Have I mentioned there'll be nose blowing?
It might be best to focus on the things we do like about the people in our lives.
And also buy some poop spray.