Zero women are responding to me on Hinge or Bumble.
For those of you that don’t know, Hinge and Bumble are the allegedly less creepy dating apps. I’ve used the creepy ones too. The one thing they all have in common is that none of them work for me.
None of them.
But wouldn’t it be awesome if one of them did work? If the app on my phone delivered profiles of beautiful, funny women who like dogs and Star Wars and nachos? Women that enjoy late night philosophical conversations over a cocktail?
Hell yeah it would!
And I could swipe right to let them know I’m interested.
And out of the hundreds of women that I liked, some would respond. And a handful of them would meet me and give me the opportunity to ruin my chances with them in person.
Or maybe some of them would ruin things with tales of a previously undisclosed cat or by chewing with her mouth open.
I don’t know.
But I believe that there are two possible reasons why these apps suck so incredibly bad for me:
1) The profiles are created by women, who for whatever reason have abandoned them. Maybe they were bored, or joined on a dare, were just curious, or met someone and have since forgotten about the app and no longer check responses.
2) The profiles are fake.
Number 2 is very possible considering that a huge number of profiles were revealed to be fake during The Great Ashley Madison Hack of 2015. If there are lots fakes on that site, why not on other sites and apps too?
You will notice that I have left out the possibility that I am uninteresting or ugly. I may be both, but just go to the mall, a bar, or restaurant on any day of the week and you will see women dating ugly, boring dudes.
So, I’m not sitting here at my desk wearing my flannel pajama pants at 6pm on a Thursday (yes I am) bitching about women.
Really, I’m not.
I’m going to call on all men to put down the stupid, ineffective dating apps that only seek to exploit us for revenue, and stand for something.
Stand for courage. Stand for confidence. And reclaim the lost art of the the cold approach walk-up.
Use the 3 second rule, and if you see a woman out and about that you fancy, do something!
Buy her a flower.
Ask her a question.
Tell her a story.
Hand her a puppy.
And you have 3 seconds to do it in. If you wait longer than that, you’ll talk yourself out of it and lose your nerve. And be a F*cking gentleman. That way if she’s just not into you, you won’t be ruining things for the rest of us.
And I’ll be out there with you.
And NOT swiping right, sending my intentions out into a cold, vast, indifferent cyber universe.
Because no one is out there to notice.
*** Note: Sarah Fader made me write this. 😬